I've been restless this week. I can't seem to get a good nights rest. I think a lot of that has had to do with the many unknowns with the state of the world right now. I am praying we choose to trust in God's provision. At least I feel like I have been praying, but in all honesty maybe my faith just isn't that strong right now. I have been lacking in that area of my life lately. In a time where I think more of us should be pressing in and giving glory to our Almighty Father. I am shying away. Honestly I am lacking in faith right now. Probably because things are really bad out there and I find myself in a trap of negativity. Do you ever feel like that? Like negativity swarms you and you can't break free from it. I find myself whining a lot more than I usually do. How selfish. To whine and complain when we are in a world-wide pandemic crisis. That's frustrating. So, today I want to choose Jesus. He didn't whine or complain when He was struck with a stone or flogged with a thorny log. Jesus pressed in to His relationship with the Father. He sought God is some of the most trying times in His life. How truly and remarkably beautiful. What a whirlwind to think that Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savor, faced the most unbearable things in life and still sought out His Father God in the midst of it all. I want to be like that. But man is it hard. When gossip and slander roll through at work, what do I do? I join in. When social media blows up with negativity and ludicrous imagery, what do I do? I join in. These things are so infuriating because I know the truth that is found in God. So, why succumb to the things of this world? Sin is one reason but I think it's more than that. I think it can be ignorance and the "join the crowd" mentality. I want to stand out, as a follower of Jesus. How do I do that? I'm never 100% sure. I think this is one of my biggest struggles that I've faced in life. I will ALWAYS and there is a reason I want to caps lock the crap out of that ALWAYS. I want to ALWAYS keep chasing after Jesus, even if I really don't know what that exactly means. I think seeking Him first in all we do is what we should do and I have a deep love for Christ. I want to do this. So, I need to keep reading the Bible and learning more even though it has been a challenge for me. If you know me, you know that I don't like to read, and I truly struggle with understanding scripture but I will NEVER stop trying. I'll never stop because Jesus never stopped for us. He cared for us until His very last breath. I don't really have much else to say today. I felt like I needed to write. It's been hard but I hope this encourages you to never stop trying to connect with God even when you feel defeated and like it's easier to get sucked into the things of this world. Remember that God has something better for you. Always. I'll try to remember that too today.
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Hey Everybody!
It's been a minute and it's been chaotic. I haven't written words on this page in a few months. I've been kind of drowning actually, trying to stay sane. January drew on, deeper into darkness I went. I trudged on though. I made it through that long and grueling month. There were many moments in January where I laid in Jason's lap and sobbed. He held me close as I asked myself if I wanted to be a teacher anymore over and over. It really seems silly now, here, in March, that I say all this but it's truth. It's what was going on during January. I was lost and trying to find a purpose for all this. Life. I didn't really think there was anything going for me really. I had a lot of altercations with students and parents in the month of January that had me wanting to leave the profession of teaching. There are a lot of things that people don't tell you about teaching before you get into it. Like how parents don't always have your back and sometimes they are more against you than for you. They blame you for why their child is the way they are and that can be really really frustrating. Like, what the heck, I didn't raise your child ma'am, stop blaming me for their behavior, kinda deal. Oh, well. I'm still encouraged. By my teaching partner that will let me cuss and rant about frustrations I have, and my husband that will let me sob as I confess my sins. My anger towards students showing as I say something snippy. It's been a wild ride but it's real friends. I know this is my calling because of my passion and frustration. I want to change the face of education in this country, I truly do. In order to do that I need to be in it. At the front lines fighting for these kids that don't have a voice and are ignored, even when they tell me to F off or that they hate me. My job matters. This career God chose for me matters. It is tough and not always rewarding, but God put me here for a reason. Right now there is a global pandemic happening and teachers have banded together and tried to create something beautiful out of the most difficult situation we've found ourselves in for probably centuries. That's what is super cool about being a teacher. We have each other's backs, statewide, nationwide, and even global-wide. The biggest blessing right now in my life is being a teacher. Even though I hate it sometimes because it's hard. and kids don't often thank you, nor do their parents. But here I am creating a distance learning plan for my kids in case we potentially close the rest of the school year. How wild is that? I had a Google Hangout with my students yesterday and honestly I was so relieved to see their faces. I've missed them so and I've been so worried about them this week. Some not knowing when they'll receive their next meal. Still full of joy and laughter as we met virtually. Kids are resilient and I love them. On to February. Many arguments took place in February as we began to discuss buying a future home and kids and future future future. Sometimes future talk is hard. It's really scary sometimes and I had a moment in February where I asked God, out of fear, what was after death. In my doubt I sought Him. I was deeply stressed about the "after" part of life. And a little fearful BUT reminded of Jesus and the sweet victory it will be when I meet Him face to face. Then I took a sigh of relief and said, "My victory is in the Lord Almighty. I don't need to have any fear of the future." Truly a treasure, the month of soul-searching February. Last February (2019) I started to dive into depression and suicidal thoughts. I clung to them. I let them entrap me and tangle me in their web. This February (2020) I am set free, again and again, set free. Those thoughts still surface in me sometimes but I don't want them to trap me again. Hopefully, not ever again will they trap me and convince me my life is meaningless and I should just end it. Now, I don't want you to think this is a cry for help. It's not. I am okay. But I haven't been in the past. God is good. Trying to remember that today. March - the Pandemic of all pandemics came to the U.S. Unsure of what is to come for this month but I finished my edTPA (after crying for many weeks about it). It was 60+ pages of me explaining teaching in a nutshell. It was basically the worst. HA. But I am super proud of the work I put into it and I think it's okay to celebrate that! If you don't know what the edTPA is, well it's basically this portfolio for educators to complete with 3 sections - 1: Planning (I wrote 20 pages of lesson plans for this stupid thing) 2: Instruction (I filmed myself teaching said lessons and watched the footage BLECH) and 3: Assessment (I gave my students an assessment and they mostly failed, then I had to analyze that). In case you didn't know, I am a full-time teacher (THIRD YEAR) and student teaching. Excuse me but what the heck is that about. Oh well. HA such is life. I am glad to be in this season of life actually and I am humbled by this experience to learn how to be a better teacher. Thank you God for changing my set plans in Undergraduate. Sometimes when we have plans, God changes them so that His perfect Will for us will come to happen. Love you friends. Thanks for reading. -Cas |
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