Recently I admitted to a serious addiction in my life that has been controlling me for years. It has manipulated my mind and consumed my thoughts for too long. God really broke that in me a little over a month ago when I woke up covered in vomit for who knows what time. Alcohol is and always will be a poison in my life. I’ve spent countless mornings nursering a killer hangover and not knowing what I did the night before. It’s a terrifying feeling really. I’ve been consumed with so much guilt and shame because of it too. I’ve hid my drinking problems from everyone I’ve really cared about especially my Christian friends. I didn’t really think I had a problem. I mean the past two years being away from college has helped but I still longed for a drink, at any occasion and still do. I kept telling myself that because I didn’t drink that often meant that I didn’t have an issue with alcohol. I was wrong. I do have an issue. It was made perfectly clear when I realized that I drink with the main intention to get drunk. In the back of my mind I’m continually thinking about drinking more. I kept telling myself that I’ll only have one then I have 10 and act like it’s no big deal. God really shook me up a few months ago when I realized I drink when I’m depressed and wanting to fill a void in my life. When I first tasted alcohol, I liked it. I’ve always enjoyed it but have never been able to control it. When you have an addiction to something no matter how much you don’t want to do it your mind is constantly thinking about it. Having to admit something like this to myself was one of the hardest I’ve had to do in my life. I’ve watched so many family members struggle with drug and alcohol addiction I never thought I would. Here I am after a month of not having a drop and pouring out all the alcohol in my house feeling pretty free. Not completely free, though. I still think about alcohol quite often but I have fought the urge to drink. The Lord is good and I’m thankful to admit that I have an issue but I won’t give in to temptation. God is the strength in my life, helping me battle all of the temptations of this world. I pray He does the same in your life. There are too many temptations to count, I’m afraid.
0 Comments
Everyone is broken and bruised from things of our past. They creep up and try to manipulate us at the most awful times. Something in my life has been happening and it has left me in a state of unknown. On August 20th my parents filed for divorce. On October 27th my parents were legally divorced. The brokenness I feel doesn't compare to the brokenness they feel in their hearts, minds, and souls. I have never seen two people more broken in my life and it breaks me. The past few months I have realized my biggest strength and also my greatest weakness is my empathy for others. I constantly feel what others are feeling and through this pain I have felt pain. I spend most of my nights crying about what could have been in my parents marriage and what I so deeply longed for as their child. The anger and frustration I have has been consuming me lately and I haven't really let it escape until now. I have always longed for a strong relationship with my mother and the more we try to communicate with each other the more pain creeps in. It has never been easy communicating with her and I feel myself biting my tongue every time I see her. In my frustration I have lashed out and turned into someone I truly hate. I am humiliated at who I have become around my parents. Around them I am filled with anger, despair, sadness, and frustration. I hate that. I hate that I turn in to someone I haven't been in years. Jesus came into my life and cleaned me up from the person I once was and it's hard to remember that when I am around them. Our pasts creep up when we least expect them to and it is super frustrating. I haven't told many people about what has been going on in my life lately because it brings up so much raw emotions from my past. Now, as I sit here weeping, I am feeling like the Lord wants to me to share this pain and the unknown of brokenness in my life. I have no idea what this divorce will do for our future as a family and it truly terrifies me. My parents can't stand to be in the same room together and it is disheartening to see. I feel like they will never heal from all of the pain they have caused each other. I don't know if I'll heal from wounds of my past. I'm broken and it's hard to admit that sometimes. I've always written off my pain; saying things like, "I didn't have it that bad.. It could have been worse. He didn't really hurt me, I did it to myself." and so on. The list of self-doubt goes on and on and it can be very toxic. Last weekend, I went on an Encounter spiritual retreat and the Lord opened my eyes to a lot of this pain I have never really dealt with. I have been writing off my pain for years and I've never truly healed from it. The Father spoke to me last weekend and let me know that my pain is justified but I've been living in unforgiveness for so long that I've never truly healed. In my brokenness I never came to the Father. I've never really forgave all of the people that have wronged me. I didn't even know this really. I thought that I had to feel like forgiving them in order to do it. Then God rocked my world and told me that's not how forgiveness works. Forgiveness is a choice - point blank. You don't need to feel like forgiving someone in order to do it. Throughout the years I have held in so much pain and anger towards people that have wronged me. I've needed to forgive a lot of people for a lot of things. My parents were no exception. No matter how angry I was with them for breaking their marriage vows after nearly 30 years. I needed to forgive them for all the stuff they put my sister, brother, and I through all of these years. That doesn't make what they did okay at all but I needed to make the conscious choice to forgive them for all the pain they've caused through their broken marriage. After-all, we are all broken people, including me. So, in light of this situation, I've noticed the need and longing for Jesus Christ in my life. My one and only mission in life is to follow Jesus through everything. All of the pain that this world will bring and sorrow that I've felt needs to be taken to the Cross first. At the Cross, Jesus paid for every sin that ever will and ever has been done. His undying love for me will be a constant reminder that no matter how broken things seem Jesus still paid for it all. His completely selfless act of dying on the Cross is a reminder that He loves me. His love is the most healing thing on this Earth.
|
Archives
July 2023
|