Life is filled with a boat full of inadequacy. How darn frustrating to feel inadequate all the time. I am still trying to figure that out. Some nights I get sulky and continue to tell myself that I am not good enough. It's annoying really. To be in constant comparison and not focus on positive pieces of my life. I leave myself feeling inadequate. In my heart I know these things are not exactly true about myself but I think we all start to believe the negative. The fact that we are not really good enough. That we'll never be talented enough or cool enough or artistic enough. Enough said! What a load of crap it is to be in constant comparison. Let's shake it off friends because it really is a joke. Like who gives a crap if we are super good at something. If you want to do it, then gosh darn it, DO IT! If you want to learn how to play the piano then you should. Our lives are too short to live in comparison. I need to stop comparing myself to others, BIG TIME! Let's focus together on the joy that is life. The fact that we can learn something new, anytime we want. What beautiful freedom we have to do so. I want to learn new things and grow. I don't want to sit on things any longer. Let's lose this feeling of inadequacy and this attitude of comparison and turn it into a feeling of adequacy and true joy. End the negative and grab a hold of the positive. Let's do it! We got this!
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Life has been filled with darkness lately. Even though the sun finally decided to stay awhile and I've been soaking it in. I'm filled with darkness. There are shadows following me and I can't seem to shake them. It's been months of darkness. I've clung to it and embraced it. I haven't fought it really. Now's my chance though. To fight it. I think most of us out there experience some kind of depression. We experience a lack of enthusiasm from time to time. Sometimes it isn't as crippling as others but sometimes it is and we have to make the conscious choice to live. Most people would describe me as a happy, smiley, outgoing person. Who is encouraging and uplifting and brave. Well, I've been trapped behind a mask folks. A fake one at that. That has covered up some really dark things in my life. I don't often talk about what I truly feel like, which is garbage, half the time. But I thought I'd share it on here because there is life and light through all this garbage. One thing I know for certain is that I do not want to die, not just yet, anyway. I know God has a timing for that and it's not on my calendar. I don't get to control when I will or won't die. Even though, I feel suicidal at least once a week, I know that God is in control of my death, not me, so I don't even need to think like that. I really don't know what sparks on all of these suicidal tendencies. I have so much going for me right now and I have a lot of wonderful things in my life. My wonderful husband whom listens to every cry I have about despair and encourages me with prayer. He is a rock in my life. Very solid and stable. He reminds me always of Jesus and the deep need we should have for Him. Honestly, these feelings of despair and loneliness stem from the devil and the devil alone. He wants to kill and destroy me. And you. And us all really. He truly wants the worst for us and every victory we have found in Jesus, he wants to maim. How terrible a truth. That there is a being out there that truly wants to destroy us all. So, how do we fight? Well, with a lot of prayer and a whole lot of Jesus. Truthfully, I never thought I could tell people that I thought about killing myself. I thought that if I told people this darkness that was inside of me, then I wouldn't be able to let it go. Lately I've been sharing these thoughts with people and it's helped me see how to fight it. I really hate what the devil does. He really takes over our minds sometimes and tries to get us to do things that do not align with scripture. I suppose that is why a lot of people say how "messed up" our world is right now. But guess what? We have the ability to say NO to the devil, to tell him to SHUT UP, and to renounce him in Jesus' name (as long as we believe and follow Him). It's a rather easy thing to do but it's our thoughts that trap us. That tell us we are not good enough. That tell us we don't have the strength or courage or confidence to tell the devil off. But in reality it only takes a whisper. Tell the devil to go away TODAY! and tell the Lord Jesus Christ to stay. I'm constantly telling the devil to get off my back. To stop probing me with negativity and darkness. It's not over yet and I'm not done fighting.
If you've ever felt these feelings and want prayer or someone to listen, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always available to listen. |
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