Tomorrow I go back to work after being home for 12 weeks. Well I suppose I've actually been home for 6 months because of summer break. I can't believe this time of maternity leave is coming to an end. I want to write down all the feelings I felt but I am unsure there is enough space for that. So, here are some tidbits. September 3rd, 2022 I birth my beautiful son, Archibald. I was infatuated with all of him. Jason was off work for a whole week and we just relished in it. We entered into parenthood strong with a positive perspective and deep love for each other. The first two weeks really seemed like a dream. Then we adjusted and I entered into a season of depression that peaked around week 9 through 11. It's crazy to me how much we can love something and also want to hurt it at the same time. It's been a scary season for me honestly. I haven't felt like myself. I've had an incredible amount of brain fog. People talk to me and I don't comprehend what they are saying. I feel at a loss for words most of the time. I'm trying to listen but my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of self-harm and regret. I was probably one of the most independent people before having our baby. I wanted to do so much on my own and for myself. Now, I am depended on by someone for literally everything and my needs take second place. It has been an adjustment, for sure. A necessary one. God is teaching me that I don't always get to take the first place seat in life. I guess I am just now realizing that as I write. He is teaching me a love deeper than I could've imagined. When we drove home in the car that first day with our son, I sat in the backseat and wept. I wept because I didn't think I could love something so much. I wept pretty much the whole way home while Jason drove us. The night we got home, I wept thinking about how deep the Father's love is for us. I guess I just really want to remember those sweet moments when I feel so depressed. I want to write them down because of the crucial importance of deep love we have for God and our son. The hardest part about all of this postpartum depression is that in a split instant I go from adoration to anger. Crying is really hard to listen to. Apparently in some countries they use baby cries for torture. Yep, that makes sense. It is really hard to also not know what our baby wants because they can't tell us. Those are some things I've been working through the past week. Thankfully I have amazing support from literally everyone around me. They have encouraged me and listened to my cries. They have prayed more times than I can count when I feel like I can't pray myself. Praise the Lord for such amazing community that is willing to help me through this season. I am unsure when this season of depression and anxiety will end but I know brighter days are ahead. So, I say all that to say, I am going back to work tomorrow and I am feeling all sorts of things. Thankful for my job that can give me time away to fall more deeply in love with Archie. Grateful for the best daycare we could've imagined. She is family and just a wonderful care provider. Blessed to call my friends my friends, they have really cared for me through really dark times. Blessed to call my family my family who I have grown so much in relationship the past few months. Praise the Lord for time. He has given me a lot of time to process through every emotion I have felt.
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Since the last time we spoke, I grew a baby and delivered him in my arms. It's been a lot, honestly. A lot of emotions. A lot of tears. A lot of thoughts. It has just been a lot. I have not been doing the best mentally. Every moment I think I'm doing well I have a negative thought creep in my mind. An intrusive thought that wants to consume everything that I am. I've been trying to stay grounded through the emotions of Postpartum but I find myself camping in my thoughts. I just became a mother of a wonderful baby boy two months ago today. He is so precious. But thoughts creep in my mind that are unpleasant. That I should hurt my child. That I am an unfit mother. That my faith isn't strong enough this time to battle all the thoughts. I wish I could say I was battling these thoughts but I am camping in them. Wondering what it would be like to end it all. Thinking how nice it would be to not be on the Earth. Now, of course, you're probably reading this thinking, "Cassie, you need to get some help." Don't worry. I am. I have a very solid team on my side that has been walking with me through all of this. The support I have is necessary and a marvelous blessing. I'm truly blessed. I think the nice things about thoughts is that they are only thoughts. Sometimes actions follow but often my biggest weakness is simply my mind. It is quite a mess up there. But then I look at our sweet baby boy smiling back at me and I am grateful. I am grateful for the work my body endure to bring him here. I am grateful that he is healthy and is growing so big! I am grateful that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ to get me to the other side of these thoughts. He is my true rock through this difficult storm. I wish more people talked about what comes after childbirth. I spent a lot of time prepping and planning the birth experience without preparing for the next part. Postpartum is a wild ride of emotions. One moment I am laughing and smiling at my baby, the next I am crying and thinking I am a terrible mother. I always found myself to be rather maternal. Not a lot of individuals going into motherhood think that I suppose but I always did. Mostly because of my background in teaching. I honored relationship with children so much. I live to serve younger humans every day. Little did I know motherhood is nothing I could have prepared myself for. Every day is so different. Some days our boy just smiles and coos. Others he is nursing every hour and I am exhausted. I guess I wanted motherhood to be as predictable as the Algebra problems I solve every day but it is not and I am pausing (straining) to thank God for it. As someone who thrives on routine, motherhood is anything but. I hope to grow as a mother in my flexibility and intuition. One area I've already seen growth in is my prayer life. How close I've had to become dependent on the Father for everything. The Holy Spirit has been my biggest confidant. Praise the Lord. When our child cries I try, and no I do not always, to thank God for him and remember that these moments are fleeting even if they are very unnerving.
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