Life has been filled with darkness lately. Even though the sun finally decided to stay awhile and I've been soaking it in. I'm filled with darkness. There are shadows following me and I can't seem to shake them. It's been months of darkness. I've clung to it and embraced it. I haven't fought it really. Now's my chance though. To fight it. I think most of us out there experience some kind of depression. We experience a lack of enthusiasm from time to time. Sometimes it isn't as crippling as others but sometimes it is and we have to make the conscious choice to live. Most people would describe me as a happy, smiley, outgoing person. Who is encouraging and uplifting and brave. Well, I've been trapped behind a mask folks. A fake one at that. That has covered up some really dark things in my life. I don't often talk about what I truly feel like, which is garbage, half the time. But I thought I'd share it on here because there is life and light through all this garbage. One thing I know for certain is that I do not want to die, not just yet, anyway. I know God has a timing for that and it's not on my calendar. I don't get to control when I will or won't die. Even though, I feel suicidal at least once a week, I know that God is in control of my death, not me, so I don't even need to think like that. I really don't know what sparks on all of these suicidal tendencies. I have so much going for me right now and I have a lot of wonderful things in my life. My wonderful husband whom listens to every cry I have about despair and encourages me with prayer. He is a rock in my life. Very solid and stable. He reminds me always of Jesus and the deep need we should have for Him. Honestly, these feelings of despair and loneliness stem from the devil and the devil alone. He wants to kill and destroy me. And you. And us all really. He truly wants the worst for us and every victory we have found in Jesus, he wants to maim. How terrible a truth. That there is a being out there that truly wants to destroy us all. So, how do we fight? Well, with a lot of prayer and a whole lot of Jesus. Truthfully, I never thought I could tell people that I thought about killing myself. I thought that if I told people this darkness that was inside of me, then I wouldn't be able to let it go. Lately I've been sharing these thoughts with people and it's helped me see how to fight it. I really hate what the devil does. He really takes over our minds sometimes and tries to get us to do things that do not align with scripture. I suppose that is why a lot of people say how "messed up" our world is right now. But guess what? We have the ability to say NO to the devil, to tell him to SHUT UP, and to renounce him in Jesus' name (as long as we believe and follow Him). It's a rather easy thing to do but it's our thoughts that trap us. That tell us we are not good enough. That tell us we don't have the strength or courage or confidence to tell the devil off. But in reality it only takes a whisper. Tell the devil to go away TODAY! and tell the Lord Jesus Christ to stay. I'm constantly telling the devil to get off my back. To stop probing me with negativity and darkness. It's not over yet and I'm not done fighting.
If you've ever felt these feelings and want prayer or someone to listen, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always available to listen.
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