Since the last time we spoke, I grew a baby and delivered him in my arms. It's been a lot, honestly. A lot of emotions. A lot of tears. A lot of thoughts. It has just been a lot. I have not been doing the best mentally. Every moment I think I'm doing well I have a negative thought creep in my mind. An intrusive thought that wants to consume everything that I am. I've been trying to stay grounded through the emotions of Postpartum but I find myself camping in my thoughts. I just became a mother of a wonderful baby boy two months ago today. He is so precious. But thoughts creep in my mind that are unpleasant. That I should hurt my child. That I am an unfit mother. That my faith isn't strong enough this time to battle all the thoughts. I wish I could say I was battling these thoughts but I am camping in them. Wondering what it would be like to end it all. Thinking how nice it would be to not be on the Earth. Now, of course, you're probably reading this thinking, "Cassie, you need to get some help." Don't worry. I am. I have a very solid team on my side that has been walking with me through all of this. The support I have is necessary and a marvelous blessing. I'm truly blessed. I think the nice things about thoughts is that they are only thoughts. Sometimes actions follow but often my biggest weakness is simply my mind. It is quite a mess up there. But then I look at our sweet baby boy smiling back at me and I am grateful. I am grateful for the work my body endure to bring him here. I am grateful that he is healthy and is growing so big! I am grateful that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ to get me to the other side of these thoughts. He is my true rock through this difficult storm. I wish more people talked about what comes after childbirth. I spent a lot of time prepping and planning the birth experience without preparing for the next part. Postpartum is a wild ride of emotions. One moment I am laughing and smiling at my baby, the next I am crying and thinking I am a terrible mother. I always found myself to be rather maternal. Not a lot of individuals going into motherhood think that I suppose but I always did. Mostly because of my background in teaching. I honored relationship with children so much. I live to serve younger humans every day. Little did I know motherhood is nothing I could have prepared myself for. Every day is so different. Some days our boy just smiles and coos. Others he is nursing every hour and I am exhausted. I guess I wanted motherhood to be as predictable as the Algebra problems I solve every day but it is not and I am pausing (straining) to thank God for it. As someone who thrives on routine, motherhood is anything but. I hope to grow as a mother in my flexibility and intuition. One area I've already seen growth in is my prayer life. How close I've had to become dependent on the Father for everything. The Holy Spirit has been my biggest confidant. Praise the Lord. When our child cries I try, and no I do not always, to thank God for him and remember that these moments are fleeting even if they are very unnerving.
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