In my trembling, I can seek Jesus. In my strife, I can seek Jesus. I need reminders of these things daily. It has been a journey to become a teacher. I've experienced many difficulties in this process and still feel ill-prepared. Yesterday, I faced another challenge that I didn't quite overcome. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what God wants me to do in all of this or where He is in all of this. I am angry, sad, and driven. Some good, some bad. I am at a loss of words, really. Some of you may know my journey to become a licensed educator. I have to pass exams in order to obtain my official licensure. I have tried and failed. Many, many times with no avail yet. No hope really in sight. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am trying to see God in all of this. I began to cry out to God and really I still don't have the answers. It is all very unknown at this point. I'm asking the question, "Is being a teacher really what God wants for me?" It seemed so clear ten years ago. Now, I look back and wonder if I've made the wrong choice. I wonder where to go from here. I am hurting and I long to be closer to God in these moments. "Why God did I fail again? What are you trying to teach me in all of this?" I am unsure. I KNOW, and I put that in caps-lock for good reason. I KNOW God is faithful. He is ALWAYS good, and He always works things together for good for those who love Him. I know that. So, the question really is, do I love Him? Am I trusting Him with my future, that is truly not my own. I sit here and weep still wondering. "What next God?" I need to desire Him fully in the midst of this pain I am feeling. I am going to be honest I don't want to, but I KNOW He is good and He is faithful. I am in pain and I am hurting and God continually wants to meet me in that hurt. When we feel worthless, God wants to meet us in that. He calls us worthy. He calls us beloved. Thank you Jesus for dying for me, in my selfishness and greed. Help me God to seek you in my trembling.
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