Hello again! It has been awhile, per usual. I have been doing well. I hope you are too. If you are reading this, then you are probably a faithful reader of this blog and I really just commend you. It is clearly not a consistent blog, but hey! I am a mother, wife, youth group leader, etc. HA there is always a ton going on and to be honest I haven't been driven enough to write. But alas, I really would love to connect with this here blog again. It is special to me and it is a great way to process life.
The past few months have been so sweet, eye opening, and honestly wonderful. I am in a good place again. Last time I wrote, things were looking bleak. Postpartum life is difficult. It is a rollercoaster of emotions but now that my handsome Archibald is 10 months old, I am feeling significantly better. Anti-depressants help, of course. My whole life I have struggled with irrational thoughts, emotions, and feelings of self-harm. Now, that I have been on anti-depressants for several months the negative thoughts don't come nearly as often, and when they do I feel like I have time to discern what to do in the moment. I am able to make rational decisions once again. I am becoming more confident in my parenting abilities. All is good. I am feeling good. Wonderful! Life lately has really just felt like a sigh of relief. Woah. You know, God is so good. Sometimes when life feels so mundane or repetitive, I know God is sovereign. Through everything. The Holy Spirit has given me immense comfort and joy the past few months. He is our comforter. I have been praying that over Archie a lot. I have been asking God to give Archie the Holy Spirit so that he always feels the embrace of the Father. Something so sweet and special. I am so thankful I get to teach Archie about Jesus. Not something I ever want to take lightly. It is significant. I think it will be wonderful but also so challenging. I need to live for Christ each day, myself. My biggest prayer the past few days has been for God to just use me. For me to be receptive to His Spirit. The need for the Father is necessary. I think I want to end this post by saying I don't always have the best relationship with God. I am not perfect. I know sometimes I write like I am always connecting with God in a divine way, and that is just not the case. There are days when I don't even think about praying. There are days when I am angry at my husband or son, or the dog ....always the dog. HA he is not a very good listener. There are things I am working on overcoming. Like being a better wife and listening to my husband. Not thinking I am a better parent than my husband. Thankfully, I have God to walk me through everything. He challenges me to be better. To be who He created me to be.
0 Comments
Tomorrow I go back to work after being home for 12 weeks. Well I suppose I've actually been home for 6 months because of summer break. I can't believe this time of maternity leave is coming to an end. I want to write down all the feelings I felt but I am unsure there is enough space for that. So, here are some tidbits. September 3rd, 2022 I birth my beautiful son, Archibald. I was infatuated with all of him. Jason was off work for a whole week and we just relished in it. We entered into parenthood strong with a positive perspective and deep love for each other. The first two weeks really seemed like a dream. Then we adjusted and I entered into a season of depression that peaked around week 9 through 11. It's crazy to me how much we can love something and also want to hurt it at the same time. It's been a scary season for me honestly. I haven't felt like myself. I've had an incredible amount of brain fog. People talk to me and I don't comprehend what they are saying. I feel at a loss for words most of the time. I'm trying to listen but my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts of self-harm and regret. I was probably one of the most independent people before having our baby. I wanted to do so much on my own and for myself. Now, I am depended on by someone for literally everything and my needs take second place. It has been an adjustment, for sure. A necessary one. God is teaching me that I don't always get to take the first place seat in life. I guess I am just now realizing that as I write. He is teaching me a love deeper than I could've imagined. When we drove home in the car that first day with our son, I sat in the backseat and wept. I wept because I didn't think I could love something so much. I wept pretty much the whole way home while Jason drove us. The night we got home, I wept thinking about how deep the Father's love is for us. I guess I just really want to remember those sweet moments when I feel so depressed. I want to write them down because of the crucial importance of deep love we have for God and our son. The hardest part about all of this postpartum depression is that in a split instant I go from adoration to anger. Crying is really hard to listen to. Apparently in some countries they use baby cries for torture. Yep, that makes sense. It is really hard to also not know what our baby wants because they can't tell us. Those are some things I've been working through the past week. Thankfully I have amazing support from literally everyone around me. They have encouraged me and listened to my cries. They have prayed more times than I can count when I feel like I can't pray myself. Praise the Lord for such amazing community that is willing to help me through this season. I am unsure when this season of depression and anxiety will end but I know brighter days are ahead. So, I say all that to say, I am going back to work tomorrow and I am feeling all sorts of things. Thankful for my job that can give me time away to fall more deeply in love with Archie. Grateful for the best daycare we could've imagined. She is family and just a wonderful care provider. Blessed to call my friends my friends, they have really cared for me through really dark times. Blessed to call my family my family who I have grown so much in relationship the past few months. Praise the Lord for time. He has given me a lot of time to process through every emotion I have felt.
Since the last time we spoke, I grew a baby and delivered him in my arms. It's been a lot, honestly. A lot of emotions. A lot of tears. A lot of thoughts. It has just been a lot. I have not been doing the best mentally. Every moment I think I'm doing well I have a negative thought creep in my mind. An intrusive thought that wants to consume everything that I am. I've been trying to stay grounded through the emotions of Postpartum but I find myself camping in my thoughts. I just became a mother of a wonderful baby boy two months ago today. He is so precious. But thoughts creep in my mind that are unpleasant. That I should hurt my child. That I am an unfit mother. That my faith isn't strong enough this time to battle all the thoughts. I wish I could say I was battling these thoughts but I am camping in them. Wondering what it would be like to end it all. Thinking how nice it would be to not be on the Earth. Now, of course, you're probably reading this thinking, "Cassie, you need to get some help." Don't worry. I am. I have a very solid team on my side that has been walking with me through all of this. The support I have is necessary and a marvelous blessing. I'm truly blessed. I think the nice things about thoughts is that they are only thoughts. Sometimes actions follow but often my biggest weakness is simply my mind. It is quite a mess up there. But then I look at our sweet baby boy smiling back at me and I am grateful. I am grateful for the work my body endure to bring him here. I am grateful that he is healthy and is growing so big! I am grateful that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ to get me to the other side of these thoughts. He is my true rock through this difficult storm. I wish more people talked about what comes after childbirth. I spent a lot of time prepping and planning the birth experience without preparing for the next part. Postpartum is a wild ride of emotions. One moment I am laughing and smiling at my baby, the next I am crying and thinking I am a terrible mother. I always found myself to be rather maternal. Not a lot of individuals going into motherhood think that I suppose but I always did. Mostly because of my background in teaching. I honored relationship with children so much. I live to serve younger humans every day. Little did I know motherhood is nothing I could have prepared myself for. Every day is so different. Some days our boy just smiles and coos. Others he is nursing every hour and I am exhausted. I guess I wanted motherhood to be as predictable as the Algebra problems I solve every day but it is not and I am pausing (straining) to thank God for it. As someone who thrives on routine, motherhood is anything but. I hope to grow as a mother in my flexibility and intuition. One area I've already seen growth in is my prayer life. How close I've had to become dependent on the Father for everything. The Holy Spirit has been my biggest confidant. Praise the Lord. When our child cries I try, and no I do not always, to thank God for him and remember that these moments are fleeting even if they are very unnerving.
Not really sure what to say about loss except that it is truly inevitable. I've lost a great person in my life whom I cared for and adored. A father figure that always had my back and kept me laughing. I'm at a loss of words for how to describe such a wonderful man. I will forever cherish his memory. Sometimes through loss we can experience such pain that it blindsides us and leaves us without hope. Other times we can feel comfort in knowing they are truly at rest. My good friend's father passed away yesterday, after being in hospice care at home for a while. It's really hard watching someone you love so deeply die. This man was more than my friend's father. He was another father to me so very often. But I know he is resting with Jesus now, and that feels good to me. It feels comforting knowing that he is with Jesus. I know this because he knew Jesus well and often spoke with him and lived his life for him. I think loss is harder for people that don't know there is an eternity with him, if we put our trust in him. I'm sure that's how a lot of people feel about death. The bitter sadness of not knowing where your loved one ended up. I pray more people put their trust in Jesus to experience the peace and comfort I have in knowing where my friend is now. Though I am terribly sad, I know God will comfort me. These moments are just a reminder at how fleeting life truly is. We don't know when God will take us, but he will. I want to live each day for Jesus, though it honestly seems so hard sometimes. I am not living a "perfect" Christian life by any means and I do really struggle with a lot of things. I just want Jesus to say to me when I meet Him face to face, good and faithful servant. I want to be a friend of Jesus.
Give me comfort Lord in this time of loss that I may remember the father of my friend well. May I always feel your warm embrace in the most trying times, and may I trust in your goodness. We all need a refreshing in our walks with the Lord. I often find myself in this place of needing some refreshing. I feel lost in life or in daily activities not focusing on the Lord. It can be a struggle to juggle tasks and to-do lists. Jesus really does want our attention though. I had an opportunity to be refreshed previously and it was very much needed. It was sweet and sincere, and helped me feel restored. I haven't really been struggling lately but the need for a refreshing of Jesus is so important. I need to feel a newness of the Holy Spirit so often. I don't want my fire to fizzle out. It feels like that sometimes. Like the fire I felt when I first got saved burned out, so a refreshing is necessary. A new awakening of the Spirit is necessary. It honestly takes stepping away for a bit to realize the need. My husband and I took a step away last month and went on an 11 day trip. It was the refreshing I needed. To calm my ever planning mind. If you know me personally you know I like to plan out pretty much everything. This trip was the first time I didn't plan anything and allowed myself to relax. Actually, I forced myself to relax. I am not very good at, let's be honest. But I did it! And now, in the unknowns of what's ahead for me I feel confident. Not because I know what is coming. I truly have no idea this time. But I am ready and refreshed in the Spirit. In my sincere tiredness and strife, I am ready for each day starting with the Lord Almighty who brings good gifts in perfect timing.
It seems that time is slipping away. Our lives are short, and time gets away from us. That happens to me a lot. I realize that months have passed since I said I would blog regularly or paint or do something else that I love. Why do we do that? We let moments slip away from us, and then we find ourselves wanting the time we had back. This year, 2020, has been a significant reflection year for me. I am mostly asking myself hard questions about God and my faith, about what is next for me in my career or ministry. Life seems to slip away. But man, thinking about eternity.
How miraculous that if we choose to follow Christ with our lives, we will spend eternity with him. I ponder that so much, especially lately, in a year filled with chaos and destruction, I remember God's significant beauty in all of this. I remember that because I trust in Him, I will get an eternity with Him. Eternity is not far off. Not to sound morbid, but I could wake up in Heaven tomorrow. The truth is we really don't know, and that can be extremely scary but also so beautiful. God's deep desire for all of us is for us to reunite with Him when we die. I look forward to that day, but I serve Him with my life here on Earth while I can. So, I've been in reflection mode. I've been thinking about how I can serve God better. At times I really feel like my faith is not good enough. I want to listen intently to the Holy Spirit. I want a refreshing of my soul. A lot of people start the New Year off right, in the Word of God and prayer. I've been thinking a lot about ending the year right too. I want to begin my year with Jesus, and I want to live each day of each year for Him. Time is fleeting. I don't want it to pass by without actively listening to God. So, that is my new focus, actively listening to the Lord for His trustworthy guidance and counsel. *I started this blog post in April of 2018, boy how things have changed*
I'm almost done with my first year teaching. All of the insecurities I had when I started are still there but my confidence has grown. I remember how much doubt I had when I first started. I'm astonished how far the Lord has brought me out of that doubt. This year has been a wild ride to say the least. I can't believe it's almost over. What a journey I have been on. God is equipping me every step of the way also. He shows me each day that I am His. He is mine. *Finishing the post here* Looking back at the past few years as an educator, I have seen so many things. I have heard so many things. I have done so many things, some wrong and some innovative. Being an educator is so tough right now. There is a lot of tension among staff and students. COVID has been a driving force for fear in our lives at school. Honestly, it sucks. I can't teach the way I want to teach. I can't give students a high five. I can't smile. There are many things this school year, going into my fourth *WOW* that I just cannot do. It is very frustrating. It is disheartening and sucky. I have no other words for it than that. I have really been struggling this year to find a balance in my home life and work life. Often I find myself wanting to quit. Teaching is hard, and when you have to do it online and in-person at the same time, it sucks. BUT! I know it will get better. That's a huge thing I have been focusing on. Everything around us will get better. Sometimes we have to endure the hardest of hardships in order to get to the other side. It is the other side that we long for, and I think we need to start being present in the here and now, and all of it's suck-ness. All of the bad. Because there is joy every morning, even in the midst of pain. So, right now - I am thanking the Lord for breath in my lungs and a new heart every single day for my students because they need me. Even when I can't physically be there for them, I need to be there for them. It's so important. Okay, let's end this here while I am uplifted and feeling joy. Thanks God. Let's all be real, COVID has changed so much but I am choosing joy. I hope you do the same. One day we will all look back on these moments and it will be a faded memory. You know, sometimes in life you are thrown unexpected curve-balls. Today was one of those days. We are two days away from closing on our house and we were thrown an unknown. Life is full of those, really. It's how we react when we are in those situations that counts. This morning, I woke up to a few emails from our loan officer. There was a bit of snafu. I was freaked. My husband has to work all day. How can I deal with this on my own? Honestly, I was fearful in the moment but then I stepped outside and remembered that God is faithful. He wouldn't have brought this house if it weren't FOR US. And indeed, all has worked out just fine. But I think these are the opportunities that we have to remember God's goodness. When we are in the midst of being thrown curve-balls. That are so unexpected, and unwanted. We need to trust that God knows what He is doing. So, in this curve-ball I had to go to the house again (which honestly I SO needed). It has been a stressful week and I have been overwhelmed. My friend and I went to the house to check it out and I had an opportunity to meet the owners. Turns out they are wonderful people, and I already knew them. How crazy is that? I think God wanted me there to meet them, so that I would feel even more affirmed that this is the house for us. Where God's provision for our lives will be fulfilled. What could've been a terrible situation, turned out to be a wonderful blessing. Thank God for the curve-balls in your life because He will ALWAYS work things out for good, for those who love Him. I want to encourage you to put your trust in God. He is faithful, and we can rejoice knowing that is always the truth.
Having a voice. Crucial to being a young woman, I would say. It's important that we, as young women, exercise our voice. There are so many moments in my life where I have kept quiet and not done what the Lord has asked of me. How do I know it is from the Lord? Well, I feel it in my spirit. I feel the Holy Spirit tug on me and awaken something in me.
Often, I feel as if I cannot speak. As if I am being bound by my words. Now, after reconciliation with the Father, I know that is the enemy. The devil wants to silence us. He wants us to believe we have nothing to say. Heck, for generations, women didn't have the ability to say anything. Now, we do! And I believe we need to use that. I want to speak life, truth, and love. So, I need to know the Word of God in order to do so. I need to be immersed in His presence. Everyday. Everywhere that I go. I need the Holy Spirit to come on me like a fire that cannot be tamed. I chose the word timid for this blog because often I hear this word, over myself and others close to me, especially young women. There was a moment I recognized timidity in one of my sweet friends. Honestly, I didn't know she felt this way in life. That she is never heard or that she cannot share her voice. How cruel a thing to be so young and feel as if you cannot speak. That your lips are sown shut and you long to share but feel trapped by your tongue. God does NOT give us a Spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). God has confirmed this is the enemy. The word timid means a lack of courage or easily frightened. Only the devil could instill such grief in us. He wants to shut us up and frighten us, and often, he is successful. It is SO much easier to remain quiet. To remain at a distance in order to not step on anyone's toes, so to speak. God wants us to be bold. It's important for us to recognize this turmoil and step out in faith. God speaks, we should too, being led by the Spirit. So, how do we do that? Well, I imagine speaking out to look different for everyone but if you believe God has given you a word, you should let it out. It says in Luke 12:12, "...do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say." We should first be in tune with the Holy Spirit. When I call on the Holy Spirit for guidance, He answers. He gives direction and clarity in times of strife and He lives in me. Thank you Jesus for sending the Holy Spirit. Sweet reader, do not believe the lies of the enemy any longer. You have a word. Speak it out. Do not be timid or sit back and think you are not good enough. God calls you worthy because when we were still sinners, He sent His only Son to die for us (Romans 5:8). Sometimes God really wrecks you. The Holy Spirit comes and shakes up how you look at life. I had this experience recently and I want to cling to it. My husband and I took eight students to Louisiana for a Christian Youth Camp and it wrecked me, and I want to stay in the wreckage. I know it sounds weird to want to be wrecked but friends, when you're wrecked by the Holy Spirit you want to stay in His presence. God wants to come into our lives and break them for what breaks His. He wants us to feel burden for something. I didn't really know what I would receive from the Holy Spirit at camp but I found myself burdened with a desire to preach to young women. My husband and I have been leading the youth ministry at our church for a little over a year and I have always felt a burden for young women but it became ever more apparent at this camp. The Holy Spirit broke my heart for cries from the Father. The Father cries out for young women that are insecure in who they are or what they should do in life. He wants His beautiful daughters to feel just that, beautiful. He wants them to feel valued and loved and I believe it is now my duty to do just that. There are so many young women who look in the mirror and hate what they see, including myself, honestly. Sometimes I look in the mirror and despise what God created. Why am I flabby here? Why do I have this mark here? I find myself asking, why did you give me this body God? The thing is, God knew what He would do with it. Our bodies are a vessel. They can produce fruit and speak life into others. They can also harm. I think it's important for us, as young women, to recognize the beautiful creation that God breathed life into. We are vessels. God wants us to care for the vessel He created. Eating well, exercising, and giving thanks to the vessel He created is a huge part of caring for it. So my burden - to love on young women and remind them of this fact. In our insecurity. In our doubt. My job needs to be to remind and redirect women towards a secure relationship with Christ. My heart really breaks for young women that do not like what they see when they look in mirror. That was me. For so many years. I didn't like my personality, even. And I am here to tell you, wherever you are at in your spiritual journey, God wants to meet you and remind you that you are loved, cherished, and adored by Him. He cares for you and He wants to do something with your life.
|
Archives
July 2023
|