In my trembling, I can seek Jesus. In my strife, I can seek Jesus. I need reminders of these things daily. It has been a journey to become a teacher. I've experienced many difficulties in this process and still feel ill-prepared. Yesterday, I faced another challenge that I didn't quite overcome. I am having a hard time trying to figure out what God wants me to do in all of this or where He is in all of this. I am angry, sad, and driven. Some good, some bad. I am at a loss of words, really. Some of you may know my journey to become a licensed educator. I have to pass exams in order to obtain my official licensure. I have tried and failed. Many, many times with no avail yet. No hope really in sight. I am sad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am trying to see God in all of this. I began to cry out to God and really I still don't have the answers. It is all very unknown at this point. I'm asking the question, "Is being a teacher really what God wants for me?" It seemed so clear ten years ago. Now, I look back and wonder if I've made the wrong choice. I wonder where to go from here. I am hurting and I long to be closer to God in these moments. "Why God did I fail again? What are you trying to teach me in all of this?" I am unsure. I KNOW, and I put that in caps-lock for good reason. I KNOW God is faithful. He is ALWAYS good, and He always works things together for good for those who love Him. I know that. So, the question really is, do I love Him? Am I trusting Him with my future, that is truly not my own. I sit here and weep still wondering. "What next God?" I need to desire Him fully in the midst of this pain I am feeling. I am going to be honest I don't want to, but I KNOW He is good and He is faithful. I am in pain and I am hurting and God continually wants to meet me in that hurt. When we feel worthless, God wants to meet us in that. He calls us worthy. He calls us beloved. Thank you Jesus for dying for me, in my selfishness and greed. Help me God to seek you in my trembling.
0 Comments
The past couple of weeks have been challenging. I'm usually up for a challenge, but I've been feeling trapped in fear, anxiety, and disbelief. Currently, our nation and the world are experiencing a pandemic crisis. This crisis has instilled a lot of fear in me, that is honestly, so difficult for me to admit. I've been suffering from a lie the devil is telling me: I should be living in fear. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and felt myself becoming more and more consumed with fear as I walked through the aisles. When I got home, I wept for a while and stated to my husband that I really hated every minute of that. Being around people no longer seems normal. It boiled up such anxiety in me that it had me weeping. It was a truly frustrating moment of insecurity and disbelief. I've been battling some of that as our state has been under stay-at-home orders. But nothing like this. I know I've written a couple of times on this blog about anxiety, and I always want to bring light to this topic. It is something that has challenged me for many years and tried so very hard to break me. Anxiety is pretty crippling, and it can force people to shut down. I don't want to shut down. I truly believe there is hope, even when we feel like we are being suffocated. Jesus Christ gives me that hope. In some of my darkest moments, trapped in my thoughts. Jesus is there. So, let me bring some light to this darkness.
After many years of feeling trapped in a place that I couldn't break free, I started to pray. To pray boldly for God to remove these anxieties in me. Philippians 4: 6-7 says, "...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." These verses are powerful because first, it says, DO NOT be anxious about anything BUT instead bring them to God in prayer. The word supplication means, the action of asking or begging for something earnestly and humbly. I think this is powerful because if we are feeling these crippling anxieties that many people in our world are, especially now, we can come to God and ask Him to remove them. I have to be honest, I haven't been reading my bible or praying as much as I should in the past few weeks. I do think that is why a lot of these anxieties have boiled up in me recently. Crummy. Crummy. Crummy. Since the grocery store encounter, I have been persistently asking for God to give me peace in this time of unknown. Everything seems so unknown right now. We don't know when or if things will go back to "normal." The unknowns right now are overwhelming, but I want to encourage you to pray. To pray boldly for an answer. To listen to what God says in Philippians. As we read on in Philippians 4:7, it says, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." So, if we come to God with thanksgiving and let our requests be made known to God, He will bring us peace. We need to focus on that in this difficult time. I am grateful for all that I have: my loving husband, a job, food, and a place to live. I don't have all the answers yet. I'm still feeling anxiety and fear and honestly disbelief, but time and time again, Jesus Christ has shown me the answer. His Holy Spirit has come into my heart and spoken sweet truth to me. I know that I can trust a Father that sent His one and only Son to die for me. A God that breathed life into me and called me by name. I know that I can press on. Even in my fear. Even in my anxiety. And even in my disbelief. I can freely read the Word of God, do and trust what it says, and experience peace. If you need prayer, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I would love to pray with you. We are all experiencing different feelings about this pandemic, and I want to assure you, and really myself, that this too shall come to pass. I've been restless this week. I can't seem to get a good nights rest. I think a lot of that has had to do with the many unknowns with the state of the world right now. I am praying we choose to trust in God's provision. At least I feel like I have been praying, but in all honesty maybe my faith just isn't that strong right now. I have been lacking in that area of my life lately. In a time where I think more of us should be pressing in and giving glory to our Almighty Father. I am shying away. Honestly I am lacking in faith right now. Probably because things are really bad out there and I find myself in a trap of negativity. Do you ever feel like that? Like negativity swarms you and you can't break free from it. I find myself whining a lot more than I usually do. How selfish. To whine and complain when we are in a world-wide pandemic crisis. That's frustrating. So, today I want to choose Jesus. He didn't whine or complain when He was struck with a stone or flogged with a thorny log. Jesus pressed in to His relationship with the Father. He sought God is some of the most trying times in His life. How truly and remarkably beautiful. What a whirlwind to think that Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savor, faced the most unbearable things in life and still sought out His Father God in the midst of it all. I want to be like that. But man is it hard. When gossip and slander roll through at work, what do I do? I join in. When social media blows up with negativity and ludicrous imagery, what do I do? I join in. These things are so infuriating because I know the truth that is found in God. So, why succumb to the things of this world? Sin is one reason but I think it's more than that. I think it can be ignorance and the "join the crowd" mentality. I want to stand out, as a follower of Jesus. How do I do that? I'm never 100% sure. I think this is one of my biggest struggles that I've faced in life. I will ALWAYS and there is a reason I want to caps lock the crap out of that ALWAYS. I want to ALWAYS keep chasing after Jesus, even if I really don't know what that exactly means. I think seeking Him first in all we do is what we should do and I have a deep love for Christ. I want to do this. So, I need to keep reading the Bible and learning more even though it has been a challenge for me. If you know me, you know that I don't like to read, and I truly struggle with understanding scripture but I will NEVER stop trying. I'll never stop because Jesus never stopped for us. He cared for us until His very last breath. I don't really have much else to say today. I felt like I needed to write. It's been hard but I hope this encourages you to never stop trying to connect with God even when you feel defeated and like it's easier to get sucked into the things of this world. Remember that God has something better for you. Always. I'll try to remember that too today.
Hey Everybody!
It's been a minute and it's been chaotic. I haven't written words on this page in a few months. I've been kind of drowning actually, trying to stay sane. January drew on, deeper into darkness I went. I trudged on though. I made it through that long and grueling month. There were many moments in January where I laid in Jason's lap and sobbed. He held me close as I asked myself if I wanted to be a teacher anymore over and over. It really seems silly now, here, in March, that I say all this but it's truth. It's what was going on during January. I was lost and trying to find a purpose for all this. Life. I didn't really think there was anything going for me really. I had a lot of altercations with students and parents in the month of January that had me wanting to leave the profession of teaching. There are a lot of things that people don't tell you about teaching before you get into it. Like how parents don't always have your back and sometimes they are more against you than for you. They blame you for why their child is the way they are and that can be really really frustrating. Like, what the heck, I didn't raise your child ma'am, stop blaming me for their behavior, kinda deal. Oh, well. I'm still encouraged. By my teaching partner that will let me cuss and rant about frustrations I have, and my husband that will let me sob as I confess my sins. My anger towards students showing as I say something snippy. It's been a wild ride but it's real friends. I know this is my calling because of my passion and frustration. I want to change the face of education in this country, I truly do. In order to do that I need to be in it. At the front lines fighting for these kids that don't have a voice and are ignored, even when they tell me to F off or that they hate me. My job matters. This career God chose for me matters. It is tough and not always rewarding, but God put me here for a reason. Right now there is a global pandemic happening and teachers have banded together and tried to create something beautiful out of the most difficult situation we've found ourselves in for probably centuries. That's what is super cool about being a teacher. We have each other's backs, statewide, nationwide, and even global-wide. The biggest blessing right now in my life is being a teacher. Even though I hate it sometimes because it's hard. and kids don't often thank you, nor do their parents. But here I am creating a distance learning plan for my kids in case we potentially close the rest of the school year. How wild is that? I had a Google Hangout with my students yesterday and honestly I was so relieved to see their faces. I've missed them so and I've been so worried about them this week. Some not knowing when they'll receive their next meal. Still full of joy and laughter as we met virtually. Kids are resilient and I love them. On to February. Many arguments took place in February as we began to discuss buying a future home and kids and future future future. Sometimes future talk is hard. It's really scary sometimes and I had a moment in February where I asked God, out of fear, what was after death. In my doubt I sought Him. I was deeply stressed about the "after" part of life. And a little fearful BUT reminded of Jesus and the sweet victory it will be when I meet Him face to face. Then I took a sigh of relief and said, "My victory is in the Lord Almighty. I don't need to have any fear of the future." Truly a treasure, the month of soul-searching February. Last February (2019) I started to dive into depression and suicidal thoughts. I clung to them. I let them entrap me and tangle me in their web. This February (2020) I am set free, again and again, set free. Those thoughts still surface in me sometimes but I don't want them to trap me again. Hopefully, not ever again will they trap me and convince me my life is meaningless and I should just end it. Now, I don't want you to think this is a cry for help. It's not. I am okay. But I haven't been in the past. God is good. Trying to remember that today. March - the Pandemic of all pandemics came to the U.S. Unsure of what is to come for this month but I finished my edTPA (after crying for many weeks about it). It was 60+ pages of me explaining teaching in a nutshell. It was basically the worst. HA. But I am super proud of the work I put into it and I think it's okay to celebrate that! If you don't know what the edTPA is, well it's basically this portfolio for educators to complete with 3 sections - 1: Planning (I wrote 20 pages of lesson plans for this stupid thing) 2: Instruction (I filmed myself teaching said lessons and watched the footage BLECH) and 3: Assessment (I gave my students an assessment and they mostly failed, then I had to analyze that). In case you didn't know, I am a full-time teacher (THIRD YEAR) and student teaching. Excuse me but what the heck is that about. Oh well. HA such is life. I am glad to be in this season of life actually and I am humbled by this experience to learn how to be a better teacher. Thank you God for changing my set plans in Undergraduate. Sometimes when we have plans, God changes them so that His perfect Will for us will come to happen. Love you friends. Thanks for reading. -Cas Beauty in the darkness holds a place that is dear.
Triumphs over evil to clutch those near. Earth and wind move in the beauty that is found here. Awakens every bone and fills the atmosphere. Just some words on my mind. Not sure the reasoning but sometimes I like to rhyme. There have been a lot of beautiful things in my life lately that I have cherished. I've been starting 2020 off right and I dig it. No resolutions this year just pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly and digging deeper into scripture. I want to yearn for Jesus, every moment of everyday. I never want to be caught up in my life that I forget Him, who saved me. My prayer for the next year is that I think of Jesus more and the sacrifice He has made for me. Our future doesn't always have a definite timeline but I am sure that Jesus is with me. The Holy Spirit dwells in me. Even in the unknown, I can remember this. Thinking back at the last ten years produces a lot of reflection for me. Oh the things that have changed. It's really insane. I thought I would pick a couple of my favorite moments from each year to share with all of you. I hope you enjoy and are reflecting too. A decade is a long time, even if it goes by so quick. 2019This past year has been a year of self-searching. I got to be apart of my dear friend Alexi's wedding and our nephew Micah was born! Jason and I went through some ups and downs (quite literally, as we hiked 7 miles straight up), and persevered through it all. 2018 Most of 2018 consisted of wedding planning, getting engaged, etc. It really flew by but it was definitely a year for the books. 2017I spent most of the summer 2017 traveling. I also started dating Jason in the summer and my sis got married. My parents also got divorced that year. Oh what a year that was! 2016Not a lot of life changes to report for 2016 but here are some highlights. I traveled to New York, Duluth, and Colorado. My goddaughter was born and I started working at the Cannon River STEM School in Faribault, MN. 20152015 was a packed year! I spent the spring time longboarding and the fall preparing to leave Eau Claire! 2014This was one of my final years at UWEC. I spent a great deal of time at home hanging with Miranda during her senior year! 201320122011I graduated from High School in 2011! I also started college at UWEC where I met some of my best friends today! 2010There is comfort in the arms of Jesus. Always. I am feeling extremely comforted by the Father lately. I need His comfort, daily. I am a wreck without Jesus, friends. Life has been shaky and I've been hard and cold I think. Do you ever feel depressed this time of year? I know I do. I live in Minnesota and it can be a very depressing winter. I take pride in being an active person and the winters here are difficult. It's hard to go out and do things when it's dark at 4:00 and freezing for months. But today it was above 30 and glorious. My husband and I went for a nice walk downtown and Christmas shopped a bit. It was blissful. I'm glad I've pressed into the comfort of Jesus the past couple weeks because life is hard and it stinks sometimes and I feel like I just need to hug it out. Jesus wraps me in His arms of comfort. Thank you Jesus. I hope this short and sweet post encourages you to remember that Jesus wants to comfort you. He wants to wrap you in His arms and tell you that it will be okay.
It has been a challenging season of life for me. If you didn't know, I am pursuing my Masters in Teaching right now at St. Catherine University, and teaching full time, and running the student ministry at our church, and the list goes on. I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to care for myself. I've been eating crap and feeling like it too. Sometimes, really daily, I ask myself if this will all be worth it. I complain. I'm angry. And I cry an awful lot. It's so frustrating. Some of you know my story of why I'm doing this grad school thing in the first place, some don't, but I'll give ya a lil snapshot. Back in 2015, I left college and didn't student teach (my final semester) all because I failed a stupid test. Ridiculous, I know. So, I wasn't able to get my teaching license. Well, years later, I was offered a teaching position without it because my admin had faith in me, and still do. It's really admirable. I appreciate everything they have done for me. They have supported me through some incredibly difficult times in my life. They walked alongside me as my parents got divorced, and then a year later, when my grandfather died and my nephew's birth. It's been a few years of life and death, and it's been hard. But, God is faithful, and I've honestly been crying out to Him a lot lately. I know this post isn't super articulate or hopeful, but it's how I'm feeling. I'm frustrated, with only two weeks left of class. I sit here on a Sunday evening, wondering how I am going to get all of the things done that I need to. I'm trying to juggle too much like I often do. I've kind of always been that type of personality. If I am not super busy, I get lonely or bored. This way, I will always have something to do, but these 12 hour days every Saturday of doing homework are getting really old, and I'm super over it. Good thing I have two weeks of the semester left.
Praise the Lord for lights at the end of our dark tunnels. Our Pastor reminded me of that today. He spoke about Zechariah and how God knew Elizabeth would have a son named John, even though they were barren. God knew there would be hope for them. Even in the darkest of seasons, there will be a light somewhere. It might be years, and we have to be okay with that. For Zechariah and Elizabeth, it was 400 years of waiting, and trusting the Lord would provide for them, even in their disbelief. God knows what He is doing. I need to try that what He is doing will bring light because He is light, in Him, there is no darkness. Sometimes I am preaching to myself. Haha. I hope this rant finds you well amid darkness (it is winter after all). Cry out to the Lord for light. There really isn't enough time in the day. I think we can all agree that when it comes to the end of each day, we think to ourselves, "I didn't get this done, or that." It leaves us feeling insufficient. I feel incompetent a lot of the time when I don't finish assignments, or I don't do the dishes. Then, I ask myself, "How am I using the time I have?" When we take time, as Christians, to think of the little time we have here on Earth, it sparks something in us. I don't want to be a time-waster.
There are many wonderful things in this world. Some things keep us from connecting with God in every tiny moment we have. I don't want to waste time here on Earth fixated on watching the next T.V. series or staring at my phone. These are time wasters, friends. We need to break away from the worldly view of sufficient time and focus on how God wants us to use our time. Really, our time here on Earth is minuscule compared to the eternity in Heaven. Let's not waste it. I am going to start by making a list of the amount of time I spend doing certain things in a day and record them here. I want to be honest about the ways I waste time. I think this will be a helpful way for me to see how much time is wasted in my day. Now, when I say this, I don't mean that we should fill every little minute with something meaningful. Realistically that is not possible, and we need breaks sometimes, but I want to be more aware of where I am wasting time. Sometimes I look at the clock and hours have passed, and I've done nothing productive. What is the reason? Am I just lazy? What am I lacking? It obviously is not time if I've spent 5 hours watching T.V. It's something much deeper than that, isn't it? Let's ponder this concept together. Where are you lacking in relationship with Jesus that you've been distracted and really just wasting time here on Earth? Like people say life is SHORT. It truly is. We don't know exactly how much time we'll have here on Earth. Let's spend it wisely. Do you ever feel distracted? I've been feeling it a lot lately. It's frustrating. I don't want to be distracted but I find myself spending hours on my phone or watching t.v. In a cloud that has been blocking my vision. I've decided to delete all my social media apps off my phone. Mostly because it's been distracting me from my relationship with Jesus. I've been negative lately and self-centered, and I hate it. I want to be close to Jesus, always. But lately, I'm just not feeling it. Distractions are really traps from the enemy, people. He wants to kill and destroy us and distract us from what is important. A relationship with Jesus is important to me. So, I need not be distracted from that. Will you pray for me in this time of filled schedules and continually comparing myself to others. Yuck. I get frustrated even writing that. The list is ongoing with the amount of distractions I have. I am going to try to write more on my blog so that I can process these feelings. Until then, may the Lord remove distractions from my mind, so that I can fix my eyes on Jesus. Amen.
|
Archives
July 2023
|