Life has been filled with busyness lately. It can be really frustrating how busy we are, but reflecting on the past few months and seeing all these wonderful moments, I’m grateful. I hope this post finds you well and I hope to write more. You’re all amazing!
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Sometimes I feel super lonely surrounded by people that love me. I feel as if they do not care for me. That they are merely faking it because they feel obligated to care. What a lie. I think often times we tell ourselves lies to make up for disappointment. Life is lonely sometimes and that's okay. It sucks. But it is okay. It'll all be okay. Whether we want to believe that or not we can remember that God is always with us. He will never forsake us or leave. It's comforting to know that fact. As hard as life may be, we can cling to the hope that is found in Jesus. I want to cling to God’s comfort and recognize that I need to be surrounded by His presence in order to feel whole again. We’re not meant to do life alone. We need community and we need Jesus, more importantly.
I've been teaching Sunday School this summer at my church and today I have to give a lesson about God being unchanging. I really needed this reminder in my life currently. It's been a difficult season with many changes. I feel as if life has been nothing but change for the past few years actually. Life has definitely not felt very constant. But God never changes. In Malachi 3:6, God says, "I the LORD do not change, so you, oh descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed." Because God never changes His love stays the same. My teaching partner for Sunday School reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. He was kind of a loose cannon and left. Throughout that story though, God's love for the son never changes. That's His love for us folks. His love for us never changes. No matter what. I needed that reminder this morning. I think a lot of times when we mess up, we think that God hates us but this is far from truth. God does not change. In Hebrews 3:8 it says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He does not change. Let's stop thinking God looks down on us when we mess up and start picking up His beautiful grace that is freely given. For His love never changes, it remains the same.
Life is filled with a boat full of inadequacy. How darn frustrating to feel inadequate all the time. I am still trying to figure that out. Some nights I get sulky and continue to tell myself that I am not good enough. It's annoying really. To be in constant comparison and not focus on positive pieces of my life. I leave myself feeling inadequate. In my heart I know these things are not exactly true about myself but I think we all start to believe the negative. The fact that we are not really good enough. That we'll never be talented enough or cool enough or artistic enough. Enough said! What a load of crap it is to be in constant comparison. Let's shake it off friends because it really is a joke. Like who gives a crap if we are super good at something. If you want to do it, then gosh darn it, DO IT! If you want to learn how to play the piano then you should. Our lives are too short to live in comparison. I need to stop comparing myself to others, BIG TIME! Let's focus together on the joy that is life. The fact that we can learn something new, anytime we want. What beautiful freedom we have to do so. I want to learn new things and grow. I don't want to sit on things any longer. Let's lose this feeling of inadequacy and this attitude of comparison and turn it into a feeling of adequacy and true joy. End the negative and grab a hold of the positive. Let's do it! We got this!
Life has been filled with darkness lately. Even though the sun finally decided to stay awhile and I've been soaking it in. I'm filled with darkness. There are shadows following me and I can't seem to shake them. It's been months of darkness. I've clung to it and embraced it. I haven't fought it really. Now's my chance though. To fight it. I think most of us out there experience some kind of depression. We experience a lack of enthusiasm from time to time. Sometimes it isn't as crippling as others but sometimes it is and we have to make the conscious choice to live. Most people would describe me as a happy, smiley, outgoing person. Who is encouraging and uplifting and brave. Well, I've been trapped behind a mask folks. A fake one at that. That has covered up some really dark things in my life. I don't often talk about what I truly feel like, which is garbage, half the time. But I thought I'd share it on here because there is life and light through all this garbage. One thing I know for certain is that I do not want to die, not just yet, anyway. I know God has a timing for that and it's not on my calendar. I don't get to control when I will or won't die. Even though, I feel suicidal at least once a week, I know that God is in control of my death, not me, so I don't even need to think like that. I really don't know what sparks on all of these suicidal tendencies. I have so much going for me right now and I have a lot of wonderful things in my life. My wonderful husband whom listens to every cry I have about despair and encourages me with prayer. He is a rock in my life. Very solid and stable. He reminds me always of Jesus and the deep need we should have for Him. Honestly, these feelings of despair and loneliness stem from the devil and the devil alone. He wants to kill and destroy me. And you. And us all really. He truly wants the worst for us and every victory we have found in Jesus, he wants to maim. How terrible a truth. That there is a being out there that truly wants to destroy us all. So, how do we fight? Well, with a lot of prayer and a whole lot of Jesus. Truthfully, I never thought I could tell people that I thought about killing myself. I thought that if I told people this darkness that was inside of me, then I wouldn't be able to let it go. Lately I've been sharing these thoughts with people and it's helped me see how to fight it. I really hate what the devil does. He really takes over our minds sometimes and tries to get us to do things that do not align with scripture. I suppose that is why a lot of people say how "messed up" our world is right now. But guess what? We have the ability to say NO to the devil, to tell him to SHUT UP, and to renounce him in Jesus' name (as long as we believe and follow Him). It's a rather easy thing to do but it's our thoughts that trap us. That tell us we are not good enough. That tell us we don't have the strength or courage or confidence to tell the devil off. But in reality it only takes a whisper. Tell the devil to go away TODAY! and tell the Lord Jesus Christ to stay. I'm constantly telling the devil to get off my back. To stop probing me with negativity and darkness. It's not over yet and I'm not done fighting.
If you've ever felt these feelings and want prayer or someone to listen, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always available to listen. This morning I was early for work, which I am most mornings actually. I walked down to my car to find frost on my windshield, in April. YUCK! So I started it and let it run for another 5 minutes. I got to work early, as I do, only to find that I forgot my lunch at home which also had my dinner in it because I have class in the cities Tuesday nights. So, I drove back home to grab my lunch. I then encountered a train rolling through the tracks and had to wait even longer to get to work. I got in my classroom at 7:20 and usually get there at 7:00. I hung up a poster and slid my hand across the wall to tape it up, only to find that there was a staple protruding from the wall, which preceded to slice my fingers open. OUCH. What a morning I had today. I was feeling pretty off my game. I wasn't prepared for my lessons and I didn't have my supplies out. I was frustrated for sure but then I remembered my attitude. My attitude can either ruin my day or help me keep going. I chose to be positive today. I laughed off everything that happened before I even got to work and it truly affected me for the better. Jesus didn't whine and complain when He knew what was to come. When He went 40 days without food, He didn't have a negative attitude. He kept Him chin held high and trusted in God. There will always be moments in our lives where we can choose positivity or negativity. Frankly I focus on the negative, as most do. It is so easy to throw a little pity party and fixate on the negative but listen to what happened when I decided to focus on the positive. At our morning meeting (a meeting where we check in with students before they head off to their other classes), I decided to tell my students how my morning played out just out of curiosity to how they would respond. I explained to them that even though my morning stunk I was going to remember our first All School Expectation - "Come to school everyday with a positive attitude." They thought about my situation and recognized where they could grow. It was really beautiful. They told me that there are many times where they have a bad morning and that ruins their whole day. I explained to them that we don't have to let those instances ruin everything about our days. It's so important for us to be positive. Little things will continue to irritate us, but only if we let them. I want to encourage you to focus on having a positive attitude in a tough situation and see how that affects how you see it later. I could've and probably would've let those things today ruin my entire day, if I didn't simply step back and remember Jesus. He truly is a beam of positivity and it's helpful to learn more about His life. All He had to endure, and yet He still did not complain, whine, or grumble.
There will always be someone better, more equipped, more sufficient, more adequate.
These thoughts run through my head a lot. The feeling of inadequacy creeps in and tells us that we are not good enough. It tells us that we will never be enough, that others are constantly better. I've felt this ring in clear in my mind. I really have felt unqualified to do my jobs, whether that be to lead youth ministry or teach, I've found myself feeling inadequate in these areas. It's never an easy feeling. Inadequacy tells us that we are not equipped to do the work that God has called us to. If He has called us to it, how dare we say we are not good enough. God wants us to be present in the work that we do and He wants us to feel sufficient. Heck, we want to feel sufficient. It keeps us doing our jobs they way we were meant to. If we constantly feel like we are not good enough, what is the point of trying, really? It is not easy to put effort into things we feel we're lacking. So, God woke me up from that a little bit. I read my bible daily and that's been a huge triumph in my life the past two years. I didn't always read everyday and I'm proud of that accomplishment. But I've been struggling to absorb what I am reading in the Word. Sometimes I read and read and read the same passage and feel nothing. Everyday the same scripture and have no idea what I am reading or what to do with the information I've read. It has left me feeling inadequate in my faith. I do not understand the Word of God most of the time and it's left me lost and feeling like my faith isn't good enough. Like I will never be good enough. Yuck. That's really all I have to say to the feelings I've been feeling. Inadequacy is a trap. It's been trapping me for quite sometime and I've recognized that it's time for some change. The truth is there will always be someone "better" or more equipped. There will always be someone with more money. There will always be someone that succeeds more. BUT. Jesus calls the inadequate, which is who were are. When the disciples fed the 5000 in Mark 6, Jesus called them, even in their tiredness and where they felt like they were lacking. They didn't know it was possible to feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish but they trusted Jesus. I think that is a beautiful thing. Jesus meets us in our inadequacies and says, "Yield your inadequacy to God so that He can do with it what He will." God will use our inadequacy. He wants to use the areas of our lives where we are lacking. It's a mystery to me that people survive at all without knowing that. God will meet us in our darkest moments of inadequacy and fill that with strength and purpose. It's hard, of course, to grab a hold of that because clearly we are lacking something. Jesus believes in us and Jesus strengthens us. He told the disciples to feed the 5000 because He believed they could do it. When Jesus could have simply snapped His fingers and had 5000 items of food appear for all of the people in the crowd, He called on His disciples instead, which is what we are. Jesus is calling on us in our tiredness, discomfort, and severe lacking of skills to step out in faith and trust that He will provide what we need where we are lacking. It's time to truly believe that we can do all things through Christ because it proves true time and time again. I never know exactly what I am doing but I want to yield my inadequacies to Him. Why HELLO THERE! If you're popping on here to read my blog, I salute you. It's been a rather scarce experience, as of the last few months. I'm going to be persistent in the next few weeks and try to muster some ideas and time to keep on writing. Writing is something I really love to do and there are things in the works for sure. I've been writing a lot lately but not for pleasure and I really don't like that. I started grad school classes in February and that has taken a majority of my time along with leading the youth ministry at our church. It's been a whirlwind for sure. My husband and I prayerfully considered our offer to lead youth ministry for weeks until coming to the decision to take the plunge and dive in head first. We are now the primary youth ministry leaders at our church, with little knowledge on what the crap we are doing but we trust God, He always knows what He is doing. We were both pretty reluctant to start leading youth ministry but God kept tugging on us and it became clear this is where we are meant to be. It's been a huge blessing this past month and a learning experience at that. I've been learning a lot lately and it's not always joyous. I'm learning to speak to youth about God and typically, as a 6th grade teacher, I've never been allowed to do that, so it's cool. It's rather exciting having an opportunity to speak about how God has shaped me and who God is in my life. I'm enjoying it to say the least. :) Also, grad school. OFTA! It is SO much hard work and late nights but by now I'm used to it and I've adapted quite well to sleeping less than 8 hours a night. Hey, I'm young and if I didn't do grad school now, I probably never would. It's pretty expensive which frustrates me but ehh sometimes you have to spend some money. Oh well. I'm learning so much about Education which is super rad. I love learning, as most teachers do. I think the best thing about teaching is that I'm constantly learning and it's fun to learn new things. Oh and my nephew was born in February! A month early at that! He is a treasure and it's super fun being an auntie (I've never been one before). New roles are always on the horizon. It's March and finally sunny in Minnesota. We've experienced some major flooding in my hometown and it will probably only get worse. If you would pray for the floods in the Midwest that would be helpful. The school I work at had three inches of water in the Kindergarten classrooms last week and it was rather frustrating. Life man. It's been so full lately! I'm grateful. Please check in soon if you're here now. I'm going to write more, I hope! :) Until then, here's my lil life update that's been the past few months or so. We're finally getting out of the darkest months of the year and entering into some light, so my attitude has shifted and I'm ready for positivity and growth that come with this new season.
Hello Dear Readers!
It sure has been a hot minute since I've last written but I'm glad you're here and still trudging through life with me. There are still several unknowns that I'm embracing and running after. I'd like to chat for a bit about comparison in this world. I recently went to a women's conference called Sparkle in Minneapolis and the whole focus was on originality. A lot of times, I feel like we forget that we are all extremely unique. Even identical twins have differences. We are each made original in the image of God. I've always tried to focus on my unique characteristics but I've felt trapped in a bubble recently. A bubble of conforming to what society says about me. There are so many ways we can compare ourselves now. Social media plays a huge roll in comparison today. Whether you're connected or not the feeling to compare yourself with others is there. I don't know why this feeling is so prevalent in today's life. I really wish it wasn't, to be honest, but I actually think it's always been this way, especially for women. Since the beginning of time women have been comparing themselves to other women. We see a woman walking down the street looking super trendy and we decide we need to be her or change who we are so that we can conform. I have fallen in this trap countless times. It's easy to scroll through Instagram and feel inadequate compared to everyone else. That's a really crummy feeling and not what God wants for us. He wants us to embrace our uniqueness. Our individuality is what God loves so much. Something that really stuck out to me at the Sparkle Conference was that "God doesn't love us equally, He loves us uniquely." God has designed us all in a way that is unlike anyone else. He wants us to embrace who we are and not try to be anyone else. Since we are all so different and have different needs that is why He chooses to love us deeply and uniquely. He cannot love all of us the same because we are all so different. So, thinking of the millions of people in the world, He chooses to love every single one of us unconditionally. That is so much love to go around it's crazy to think about. Imagining God's heart makes my own heart stir a little bit. It's really unfathomable. I never really thought about my uniqueness before. The fact that God made every part of me so beautifully and so differently from anyone else. He calls us all by name. He knows us all, every part of our being. It's really a beautiful thing. To think that God loves us so uniquely because we are just that, unique. Why would we ever think that comparison is a thing that God wants? Why do we continually compare ourselves with others? It's really unnecessary if you think about it. Comparison is a trap the devil has for us and we shouldn't fall into it any longer. Let's be strong women that don't live in a dangerous trap of comparison. Let's be unique. Let's focus on who God says we are, not what the world says about us. The world will constantly tell you that you are not good enough or that you don't fit certain requirements to be this or that. God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made, grab onto that today. Recently I had the opportunity to teach Sunday school. I’ve actually been teaching once a month this summer. It’s been great but also super challenging. I love working with kids but I’m definitely not used to working with younger children, adolescents is sort of my jam. It was definitely eye opening. Teaching young children about God’s Word is rejuvenating! Children really do have a child like faith and it’s fun to watch them soak in all you have to say. They aren’t so turned off by scripture and they are definitely more receptive. This past Sunday we had dicussion about all God says we are and who He calls us to be. My good friend Claire spoke about the power of the name we have and it’s meaning. I’ve never known what my name means. I never looked it up or was brought up to think it meant anything other than that it was the name my parents chose for me. This past weekend I did some research on my name, mostly out of curiosity. I was wowed by the meaning of my name and what power it has held in my life. After all, God calls us all by name and there are reasons we have the names we do. My name is Casandra Marcelle. Casandra means unheeded prophetess and Marcelle means hammer or warring. I didn’t really know what to do with either of these things so I did some research, obviously, and found that unheeded means heard or noticed but disregarded. Some synonyms for unheeded are disregarded, ignored, or neglected. When I read this I almost started to weep because that’s how I’ve felt my whole life. I know I am not disregarded, I know that, but I feel it from all angles of life. When I speak no one listens or that’s how I feel sometimes. What’s astonishing though is the second part of that name, prophetess. I am called to be a prophetess. Wow. I’m not really sure what that means yet but I’m learning day by day to be a prophetess for the Lord. My words have value, even when people don’t listen. My second given name means hammer which I think is a strongness about me. I have a hammer exterior and I am driven. All of these things have been spoken over me before, I just didn’t think they were real. Some of these meanings are still unknown to me but I’m proud of the name God and my parents have chosen for me. I’m ready to demonstrate these characteristics in my life! Super cool!
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